This is my very first book. I am a 10 year old girl and I have never writen before. Please give me advice, pionters, and opinions.
Jr. High Witches
Written by: Jade Trissel
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Alexis opened her eyes to see the Glow-In-The-Dark stars on her ceiling. Sitting up, she could feel the breeze from the fan. Along with the cool breeze, came the smells of breakfast that her mom, Maria, was cooking. The smells of bacon, sausage, and eggs fill the house. She got out of bed and went to her closet to find something to wear. After a minute or two she picked out her black skinny jeans, pink halter top, and running shoes. Then she went to her mirror hanging above her make-up desk. Staring back at her was a young, pale, blue eyed, blonde haired girl. You can’t tell by looking at her, but she is a witch. Literally.
“I really need a tan!” she said aloud, sighing. Then she went to her make-up table to brush her hair and put on lip-gloss.
“Mom have you seen my brush? I can’t find it.” Alexis yelled, looking at her make-up
table. A few seconds later the door opened to find a beautiful, tall, slender female standing in the door. She was vary tan, with long brown hair. Her eyes were the color of the ocean… dark blue with hint of green. “What’d you say sweetie?” She asked.
“I just asked if you had seen my brush.”
“No, but your breakfast is done.”
“Okay mom, thanks.” Alexis replied, putting her hair in a ponytail. Once her mom left, she got dressed and brushed her teeth. After that she went to the living room to get her bag.
“Hey Lex are you going to eat?” Her father, Justin, asked. Justin was a tall, slim, handsome man. He was a little less tan then her mom and he had short, dark brown hair. He had eyes the color of the of the leaves on the trees.
“No, I don’t know when the bus comes and I don’t want to miss it.”
“Okay bye I love you.”
“I love you too. Oh and tell mom I said bye and I love her.”
“Okay hurry do not miss the bus please.”
“Okay! Bye Dad!” Alexis yelled as she closed the door. Outside it was sunny with a slight breeze.
As she walked towards the bus stop she could hear the birds in the trees and see
bees collecting nectar from the red and purple roses alongside the sidewalk. Once she got to the bus-stop all she saw was the stop-sign at the edge of the street. She looked down the side of the street to see the back of the bus getting farther and farther away.
“Snap!!” she exclaimed as she looked around her to see if there was anyone watching, then she reversed time. She only reversed it a minute so she wouldn’t mess things up and create complete chaos. All of a sudden there were a whole bunch of kids in front of her, in line, waiting to get on the bus (which was big, blue, and the doors were open.)
Alexis was in the back of the line so she wouldn’t arouse suspicion, and the girl in front of her turned around, she was a pretty, tall, skinny, girl who looked about Alexis’ age.
She was a little more tan than Alexis with
longer blonde hair. Her eyes were icy blue.
“Where did you come from?” Alexis could tell she was a witch -even if it had not been revealed to the girl. I’ve often found that witches and wizards have blue eyes.
“Umm, my house, why?”
“Because I could have sworn you weren’t there a second ago.” the girl replied. Alexis could tell the girl chose her words carefully.
She must have noticed someone reversed time, I have got to be more careful. I also don’t think she knows about the blue eye thing. Alexis thought to herself.
Brook knew someone had reversed time, but she didn’t think it was the girl behind her.
She looks so innocent, Brook thought, I don’t even think she’s a witch. Brook turned around “I’m Brook. What’s your name?”
I’m Alexis, nice to meet you.” She replied.
I might as well get to know her, Brook said to
Humm… Whatever! I might as well get to know the girl.
Alexis thought to herself. The line for the bus was moving so she started to move up too. Once she got to the stairs she could see the bus driver. She was in her mid-twenties, and had short black hair. She was really tan and had hazel eyes.
“ Who are you?” she asked in a Jersey accent.
“I’m Alexis. I’m new to Tanana Middle School, and Alaska.”
“I don’t need the details. I’m guessing ,since your new, you don’t have a bus-pass.” she said sighing.
“Actually I do! Unlike most people, I come prepared.” Alexis replied glancing at the crowd of kids watching her. A couple yelled and some whistled in surprise. “Alright go find an empty seat” she said when all the kids got quiet. Alexis found a seat in the back, behind Brook.
I wonder if she even knows I’m a witch. Alexis thought to herself. The bus
stopped and the doors opened. Five or six kids
got on. One of them was a boy with blonde hair and dark blue eyes.
He was as tall as Alexis but way more tan, and he was just as skinny.
A wizard, that’s different, I wonder if he knows, Alexis thought. She ducked down so he wouldn’t see her. He sat in the seat with Brook. “ Hey Brook, did you learn how to use your telachonises?” He whispered quietly, so no one could hear.
“SHUT UP!” she yelled quietly, then pointed to my seat.
Alex turned to look at the seat behind him, there was a girl with blue eyes.
Doesn’t Brook know about the blue eye thing?!?!?!
Alex thought. He turned back to Brook. “Why? She has blue eyes, obviously she’s a witch, even if she doesn’t know” he said.
“I can hear you, you know.” The girl said.
Alex turned around, “Hi I’m Alex, you know
You’re a witch right?”
“Yes, I know, and by the way I’m Alexis.”
“Cool, nice to meet you.” Alex said.
Hey! We’re finally at school, Alexis thought, as the bus stopped. She stood up, and walked towards the exit. Once she got to the doors she looked at the school. It was a big, one building blue school. In the back there was a huge field and in the front there was a bike rack, a parking lot, and a huge garden field. The field was filled with tall, red fireweed, beautiful wild iris, Artic lupine, Iceland poppies, wild blue flax, and the prettiest were the forget-me-not’s. Then if you looked further you could see Mt. McKinley, topped with snow! It was the most beautiful picture ever!
“Not what you would think, is it?” She heard Alex say behind her.
“Not at all!” Alexis replied gaping at the school and the view behind the school.
“I know, huh. A blue school,” he replied
“That’s not even it! Its just so, so, I don’t even know just….. Wow!” Alexis replied as she took out her phone to take a picture.
“I just cant believe it! I have to show my friend so she can paint this.”
Alexis had to walk to the other end of the school where the student advisor was to see what classes she would be in. She got a lot of strange looks from the other students. Once there she looked at her schedule.
I can not believe this! I signed up for math, not Social Studies!! Alexis thought. She noticed that Brook and Alex were also there.
“Are you kidding me! I wanted science, not social studies!” Brook said as they checked their schedules.
“Yea I wanted math not social studies! Oh my gosh!!”
“Hey I got the classes I wanted-- well the ones I was allowed to pick.” Alex said.
“Don’t you say a word - wait a second what classes did you want?” Alexis asked suspiciously.
“Umm, social studies, reading, and math. Why?””
“Those are the same classes I have, granted I wanted reading, but still. Brook what classes did you get?”
“Social studies, math, reading. Wh- ALEX!!”
“I knew it! I knew you changed it! How many witches and wizards did or do you have in your family?” Alexis asked. (You see, the more witches or wizards you have in your family, the stronger the potions and spells are and the more knowledge you have about using your witchcraft is.)
“Three, my sister, my mom and my brother.”
he said smiling.
BRRRIIINNNNG!!! The bell, finally.
“See ya’ll in reading”Alex said mischievously. Brook rolled her eyes. Alexis looked at her paper.
Science, at least that’s one class I like. She thought to herself. Once she was in class she sat at the only empty desk.
“Who are you?” The boy beside her asked. He had blonde hair with brown streaks and green
eyes. He was a little taller than Alexis and a lot more tan.
“Alexis, who are you?”
“Elijah, most people call me Eli though.Can I call you Lexi?”
“Well nice to meet you Elijah, and sure as long as you don’t call me Lexis.”
“Cool so-” He didn’t finish the sentence because the teacher walked in. She was a tall lady, with short black hair and blue eyes.
“Quite please, I am Mrs.Koi, for those of you who don’t know. We have a new student, Ms. Alexis wolf. Please stand and come up to the
front Alexis. Alexis was surprised, but she went to the front anyway.
“I am Alexis Wolf, My sister is Hannah Wolf, CEO and creater of Wolf Electronics. My mom, is Maria wolf, creator of Wolf cars and dealer ships, and my dad is Justin Wolf, creator of Wolf furniture.” Alexis said. She Had always been rich, no she hadn’t liked it but it had its advantages. “Any questions?”
All the kids were quite, staring at her. A girl besides Elijah raised her hand. She had hair
like Elijah‘s and blue eyes. She was a little taller than Alexis and way more tan, she was a beautiful girl. “Umm I do,”
“You are lying right? I mean if you were rich, why would you choose to come to this school?”
“Who is asking this question?”
“Annabel, Annabel McGinnis, now can you answer my question please.”
“Yes, I will. I chose to come to a normal school like this because I want a normal life, if you knew half the stuff that’s happening in my life you wouldn’t like it.”
“But why Tanana? Couldn’t you go to a private school?”
“Yes, I could but I use the money I have for things I need and Red-Cross.”
“Oh okay then that’s all I have to ask.”
“I have a question.” Asked a girl in the front row. She was just as pale as Alexis but an inch taller, and very pretty. She had blonde hair just like Alexis’. She had the same blue eyes as Alexis” Mom’.
“Who is asking?”
“Luna, Luna Wolf. I am your stepsister. My dad is yours.” She said. Now It was Alexis’ turn to stare, shocked.
“Huh, no way. If your trying to get money then just ask, you don’t have to pretend you my sister. Now what is your question?”
“That was it. My question was if you knew you had step-sister. Which obviously you don’t.” She said and sat back down. BBRRING!
The bell, already??? Alex!! Alexis said to herself. Once the teacher dismissed them she got her stuff and left. She looked down, “Recess,” Alexis said quietly.
Alex knew it would work, he had been practicing to make time move faster for weeks. “You are excused, no homework today” his teacher said. He got up and ran out side to the field, were he found Alexis and Brook “--It went by so fast, maybe it was just because it was the first day.” Was the half of what Alexis was saying, that he heard.
I couldnt get it as a like so i cut and pasted, sorry if it takes long for you to read it. the nubers are the page numbers.
I just want you to know the numbers are the page numbers, and it is much bigger text in the actual writning
You held my interest. Not very many writers can do that well.
YES - ABSOLUTELY you should keep writing. There are some issues with your writing - but they are technical and easy to learn how to fix. For example - sometimes you change point of view. And in the first paragraph you confused me by your "makeup table vs makeup desk."
These are easy to fix. Since you use the word processor MS word you can check grammar settings and look for passive voice. Usually using passive voice means no action. When you find passive voice you can choose to change it if appropriate.
All that said however - WOW!!! Keep writing, practice, take some classes, if you can find a way to, and be true to yourself and what you want to write. You are a great age to write to Middle Grade and there are some fantastic contests you can enter your writing. I believe if you take this story and polish it some it will come out totally fun to read.
I enjoyed what I read.
blessings, Jan Lazo-Davis, a writer
Yes, I do switch piont of view on purpose, the swivily lines mean im switching piont of view. I did mess up and thank you for pionting out my mistakes
I made a whole lot more mistakes in my first writings than you do. And I am published.
So keep working at it. You held my interest as I said above and that is huge for any author to hold the reader's attention so they want to keep reading.
I also liked your characters. You have some mystery and I want to get to know them better. They intrigue me.
Thank you so much for your help, yours too Jane, it will surely help me alot. :D
Jade, thank you for sharing your story. I was chatting with you so I'm going to take off from there. First, I think this is very good for your first draft and having only written it a couple of days ago. You are clearly very enthusiastic about your characters, and I can tell you love writing. These are good things. I was writing at your age as well, and I had my first novel published when I was 21, so if you keep at it, you know good things might happen. :-)
So here are a few suggestions.
If this is the first time you've ever gotten feedback on your stories, then there's something you need to know: it's good to argue with criticism, but you need to argue from the text itself rather than because you disagree. :-) Secondly, don't make changes you don't understand, and thirdly, don't just make changes because someone told you to. Make sure you really understand changes before you make them. And finally, if you find a better way to do something, do it, but if lots of people tell you something is a problem, please listen to them.
Having said that, let's go!
My first suggestion is to introduce the individual characters more slowly. There are maybe fifteen different people in these opening pages, and it makes it really hard for us to get to know who they are. I feel flung in head-first, whereas I'd really like to get to know them one at a time, giving each a few pages.
Second, as Jan said, you're changing point of view, which is going to make it harder for us to get to know everyone because we're not riding around in one person's head. BUT...this is an early start, so I'm going to say keep doing it if it helps you keep moving. What you're doing is called "head hopping" and it's generally frowned on, but for your first novel, don't worry too much about it. Tell the story, and as much as you can, try to stay behind one person's eyes...but if you have to switch, then do it. You can pick up point-of-view techniques later.
But one of the signs of a really good writer is how someone can stay in one person's point of view and let you know what someone else is thinking. See if you can do that the next time you want to jump from one person's thoughts to another -- see if there's any way you can be a bit tricky and let us know what that other person is feeling without telling us. You know: with their body language, their facial expressions, etc.
Third thing -- I like the feel of the story and the way it's opening out, how you introduced Alexis's magic without too much fanfare but just by showing it.
And one final thing for now: Alex and Alexis are really close names to each other. Can you give him a different name?
No, wait, one last thing -- keep writing! Keep working at it. :-)
Thank you for your pointers and opinions it will surely help me. I will also take the body language thing into thought
One big aspect and one main small aspect I would caution on: too much is revealed far too quickly. If this is intended to be a couple hundred pages, drag out the reveals. The story is interesting and I want to find out more about the main character. However, so much is revealed so quickly, as a reader, I wonder what the point in continuing is. What is left to discover?
Secondly, watch the overuse of a word or a couple of words. This mistake trips up readers and slows them down when you want them to move forward. Lastly, I would personally suggest less focus on who is slender and tan. Each person has something that is unique about them. When you first meet a teacher, do you focus on their outward beauty, or is the scratchiness of a voice, the large presence of an otherwise small person, the oversized glasses or the way they hold their hands before them like rabbit paws what sticks out? Find what that aspect is in each character. Even the smallest character needs depth.
You’re off to a great start and I believe you will have success if you keep going.
Thank you vary much i am working on my book now so i will add that to the things i need to change. what words did i overuse?
I want to open by reiterating what Jane said: take all the critiques through the filter of what is true for you. This is your story. You will never make everyone on the planet happy and you'll go out of your mind trying to. Write the story for you first and foremost.
Secondly, in the second and third sentence the word "smells" is repeated. There are ninety-eight instances of "the" in approximately 1900 words. That's a bit high. Try to reword to replace generic or vague words such as "the, very, it". Speaking of which, you did pretty good on "it". I think you could still ditch a few, but there aren't that many (18). If you're wondering, I don't count them individually. That would take forever. If you click on "find" in word, and then "more", there is a tab for highlighting all of one word. That is how I counted all the instances. You can catch many of these simply by reading the story out loud...to yourself, your siblings, your parents, grandparents, etc. Even seasoned writers find this helps tremendously in catching grammatical errors and repeated words or phrases.
I also see the enthusiasm in your writing for this story. That excitement is contagious and goes a long way in feeding the reader to turn the page. You have stories bumping around in your noggin and clearly an enjoyment for writing. You're off to a good start.
When I was your age I was still learning how to read and write (OK, I was dyslexic). Are you really only 10 and did you really write this by yourself?
Jeff, I was wondering the same thing. This person's command of words is way beyond her age group. So either her language skills are extremely precocious (which is possible), or she had an adult such as a parent or teacher edit her story before posting it here, or she is far older than 10.